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Dear big brother, it’s three in the morning on a school night and no ones on tumblr so I decided to vent. I can’t stop crying and I just want to talk to you, but I feel like this is the closest way to get anything out. Writing to you helps even though I know you will never see it. For the past week all I have been doing is replaying the day I was told you were found dead. All I keep seeing in my mind as I try to get sleep is the look on our families faces and how I dropped to the floor screaming your name. I didn’t believe it then and I still don’t. I replay the funeral and how over three hundred people came, I remember when I saw your body cold and lifeless and completely collapsed trying to find a way to breath again. The memory of the viewing is the best of them all simply because I held your hand and knew I would see your beautiful face the next day. However the most painful memory I keep having is watching you be lowered into the ground knowing that you were gone forever. I get like this every week before the the 19th. I can’t grasp the fact that you’re gone and I don’t think I ever will. Everyone says “time heals all wounds” but they are wrong. There is no amount of time that could ever heal this wound. You mean more than I ever got the chance to tell you. My heart is literally missing the biggest piece and it will never be filled, no one could ever replace you. No one could ever be you or share the memories we have. Do you remember when we used to play hide and seek in our big neighborhood and you always chased me because I was the slowest, or when I turned your play station game off so you broke my favorite barbies head? What about when I would steal your shirts to wear around the house because all my clothes were dirty and you would yell at me for putting “boob marks” in them? How about the last time I saw you. Two days before you died, you were sitting in McDonalds it was summer and I was with my friends and you were with yours. We didn’t see much of each other but when I saw you I ran to you and made fun of you for no reason. You gave me a hug and your last words to me were I love you I’ll talk to you later. Little did I know you wouldn’t talk to me later and that would be the last time I ever heard you say those three little words “I love you” I would give anything in the world to hug you one last time, to hold you and never let go. You’re my big brother forever and always, it’s in our blood. You will always be in my heart and I promise that when I have kids they will know how incredibly breathtaking their uncle was. I will visit you every last chance that I get and I promise to go on living in honor of you and everything you are. Brandon, you touched so many peoples lives and you never knew that such a simple smile made someones entire day. The pain of missing you is more than I can handle and all I can think to myself is I can’t wait till the day that I get to see you. I want you back, more than I have ever wanted anything in this entire world. Your baby sister loves you, please never forget that brandy. <3
This is just heart breaking :’(
I never cry about things on tumblr, but I actually just bawled my eyes out… :(
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(Source: barbie-society, via sailorsandsluts)
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